The Big G!
by Tarnished Blade
Summary: When the head megalomaniac watches to much anime . . .   crackfic


The Big G: When the Bastard King Watches too Much Big-O

A one-shot by Tarnished Blade, who doesn't own The Big-O or Evangelion. (And woe to the world if I did, Mwhahahah)

* * *

Tokyo-3

Unit-01's Holding Cage, Nerv's Third Branch

Sachiel's Second Assault

Supreme Commander Gendo Ikari, the "Bastard King" of Nerv, stood on high, master of all that he surveyed. The Evangelion Units 01 and 00, the varied and numerous subordinates under his command and his cowardly, sniveling son. The much prophesied Third Child.

He could barely contain his glee as he watched his wayward son quake under his glaze. Refusing the burden . . . nay, the honor of being the savior of humanity. All was going according to the scenario. His scenario.

With the 'Third Child' out of the way, Rei would be forced to pilot the unstable Unit-01 yet again. Given the scope of her unhealed injuries, no one cold possible she could stand against the attacking angel.

Yes, everything was happening according to his scenario.

"Fuyutsuki," He spoke into the intercom.

"Sir."

"Wake up Rei"

"Can we use her?" There was an audible reluctance in the voice of the Sub-Commander.

"She's not dead yet."

"Understood." This time the reply was tight. His old professor was far too sentimental. But in all fairness, he would be too, if he allowed himself to think of Rei as a person and a human being. Instead, she was his tool, even if she wasn't fully functional at the time.

The intercom clicked.

"Rei?"

"Hai." The Bastard King frowned, sounded a bit determined, even confident.

"Our spare is unusable, you will do it,"

"Hai." Ah, there it was: the resignation, the fatigue. Perhaps she had believed that he was going to tell her that the problem was taken care of, that she could rest. Even Rei had to rest, but she only had to play her part; a simple appearance in her infirm state. He had no intention of ruining such a useful tool, such a beautiful . . . memory, before he absolutely had to. It would be readily apparent to all of the witnesses that she could not go into combat in her current state.

And thus he would have the justification to use . . . It.

Only a sudden tremor shaking the holding cage prevented him from cackling like a madman and doing the sugar plum fairy dance when they wheeled Rei onto the bridge in front of Unit 01.

Then the holding cage violently lurched and Gendo considered the idea that maybe his wife _was_ in heaven and had asked the angel to be extra brutal. Nah. But he would have to hurry things up here, and he did hate to rush things. Something he would make the Angel pay for, personally

_No one rushes the scenario_, he thought, _My precious scenario_.

He was finally snapped out of his stupor by the sight of Unit 01's arm outstretched over the scene of his son cradling his mother's clone on his lap.

You could all but hear the violins playing in the back ground.

_Well shit_ . . .

"I'll do it. I'll pilot it!"

" . . . very well." Damn those recessive, redeeming character traits.

_Why don't I have any?_

_

* * *

_

Momentarily in the Operations Center:

Gendo "The Bastard King" Ikari, sat in the commander's chair, overseeing the various assets under his command. Which, at the moment, were all concerned with the pain in his ass that was in Unit 01's entry plug.

It was lucky for the third child's sake that most of Commander Ikari's assets were of the shapely variety.

"Fuah, guhah . . . I'm gonna' be sick . . ."

"Stop complaining! You're a boy you know!" replied Captain Katsuragi as she leaned over to the microphone.

Yes, the third child was very lucky that Gendo's 'assets' were so . . . distracting.

"Bi-directional circuits are open. Synchronization ratio at 41.3%."

"Amazing," murmured Ritsuko Akagi.

Gendo frowned, there was nothing amazing about his son. What was amazing was the way Akagi's white lab coat adhered to her body because of the LCL she was covered in from her dive in the LCL tanks.

Cue eyebrow one.

"Harmonics seem to be normal. I see no disturbances," reported Lt. Ibuki. The closet lesbian of NERV (according to the Sex- Err. . . Section -2 anyway) smiled (too) affectionately towards her sempai. Dr. Akagi smiled in return.

_Bonus Points!_ Engage smirk.

"Let's do it!" Announced the bleach blond. (Thank God for that stuff was killing off her common sense, otherwise he'd never get any.)

"Begin launch sequence." Ordered Capt. Katsuragi.

"Beginning launch sequence!"

"Removing primary lock bolts!"

"Removal confirmed!"

"Removing the umbilical bridge!"

"Removing the secondary lock bolts!"

"Removing the primary restraints!"

_Damn._ Holding up one eyebrow by itself can get real tiring.

"Removing secondary restraints!"

"Releasing safety locks numbers one through fifteen."

"Internal batteries fully charged!"

"External battery outlet closed."

"Roger. Move Eva Unit One to the launch pad."

"Launch pad clear. All systems show green."

Dr. Akagi gave the final report. "The Evangelion is ready to launch."

"Understood," replied the Captain. Then, still bent over the microphone, she turned to look back at the commanders, in a position Gendo had mostly seen in movies of a 'questionable' natures.

Cue eyebrow #2.

"Can we really do this?"

"Of course. Unless we defeat the Angels we have no future."

"Ikari, are you absolutely certain?" asked Fuyutsuki.

Of course he was. Just as soon as that whelp of a third child fell, the scenario would go into effect. Should take about two minutes.

"Eva Launch!" crowed Katsuragi into the microphone. Her body fairly jiggled.

Gendo made a note to deny the Captain's request for a separate command station on the bridge and a chair to sit in as he watched Unit One's progress through the launch tubes.

"Shinji . . . don't get killed out there."

Gendo glanced at the purpled haired Captain. (How that color was natural he did not know, but Section-2 swore it was.) He wanted the boy to fall flat on his face at the very least.

* * *

About two minutes later . . .

* * *

People thought that Gendo Ikari's "I am the Bastard King" poise was something he did because he thought it made him look bad ass.

This is true.

It was said that in this position Gendo Ikari plotted the inevitable down fall of his enemies and the demise of millions.

Also true.

It is said (mostly by Chairman Keel) that this was the position in which Gendo Ikari sleeps through committee meetings.

Only that one time. Really.

But most importantly the 'Bastard King' poise a absolutely essential tool for obscuring and hiding his emotions from those around him.

Which is why when the third child _did_ fall flat on his face he snorted, instead of breaking out into insane laughter.

Gendo watched on in private glee as the third angel proceeded to tear into the fruit of his loins.

As the angel began to twist the left arm of the Evanelion, Gendo turned to his former professor.

"Well, sensei, it would appear that my erstwhile son is not up to this."

Fuyutsuki looked at his former student like he was an idiot.

This was ignored.

Supreme Commander Gendo Ikari ignored the sharp crack of Evangelion Unit One's arm as the sound relayed through the speakers.

"Sensei, would you take a couple of steps back."

With eyebrow raised the older man complied.

A wide and demented grin spread across spread Gendo's features. He brought his wrist to his face and shouted:

"Big-G! It's SHOWTIME!"

* * *

For a moment the Vice-Commander of one of the most powerful organizations on earth stared in shock as his commander shrank into a growing fissure in the ground with his arms crossed and grinning in like an idiot.

Remembering his blood pressure, Kouzou took a deep breath and slowly let it out, counting to ten.

Then he spun to the rest of the stunned bridge crew and screamed: "WHO THE HELL SMUGGLED HIM THE BIG-O ANIME?"

The only response was Dr. Akagi's desperately muffled giggles.

"Okay Akagi, _you _go get the popcorn."

"Awww-"

"NOW!"

* * *

She was beyond pain.

The shifting of the hospital gurney went unnoticed.

She was, frankly, beyond any mortal emotion. Beyond any physical sensation.

Even the strangely warm sensation from the boy had been forgotten.

There was nothing to be felt.

Except the rage.

Commander Ikari's little key to Third Impact was _pissed._

Why, do you ask?

Because that _Otaku_ of a Commander had become so enamored with that Big-O anime, that he had ignored SEELE, Project-E and _her_. For _six_ months.

And no, trying to convince her to get a DVD player installed in her fore-head _did not count_.

She lived for the commander, she would _die_ for the commander.

But to be replaced, by that obscenity, by the commander, _HELL_ _NO!_

It finally occurred to Rei Ayanami that the Commander's plan for instrumentality might need a little . . . adjusting . . . all those otaku . . .

* * *

Somehow, deep within the shelter system of Neo-Tokyo-3, the military otaku Kensuke Aida felt the brief and cold touch of imminent death.

It was at this moment that he realized his new ambition . . . _**gothdom**_.

* * *

Can anyone see Kensuke as a goth? … That's alright, I can't either.

* * *

In the fortress city of Tokyo-3 a new challenger emerged. The monstrosity of Supreme Commander Ikari's vision: Slightly shorter than an Evangelion, it was twice as wide at the shoulders. As it walked towards the fallen Eva and standing Third Angel, its hips swung in a mechanical waddle. Light reflected off of the sheared ends of the steel rebar that formed a metal beard that surrounded a plate like face, giving the Big-G a resemblance to its creator.

Turning towards the new threat, the third angel casually raised an arm and casually firing off an energy spike.

With equal casualness the rebar bearded mecha's own arm swung up to deflect the offending appendage of the angel as it stepped into the invaders attach. Then with a sudden pull the Third Angel was pulled faces-to-face with the Big-G, in the biggest bear-hug that Gendo Ikari had ever performed.

"Rokubungi Beard Burn!"

Gendo Ikari only smirked as the head of the Big-G began to spin rapidly against the angel, who immediately began to try and squirm away.

"Oh, you didn't like that, did you?" murmured Gendo as the angel finally broke free.

* * *

"Damn right, that beard can really burn," complained Dr. Akagi, "I wish he would shave it of, the dick."

" . . . "

The following silence was broken by the sound of Maya Ibuki's unconscious body hitting the ground.

* * *

Unaware of the of Dr. Akagi's critiques Gendo continued his assault against the third angel. And the obligatory monologue that accompanied any such battle.

Be thankful that the narrator isn't sadistic, or masochistic, enough to relate such a horror.

Most of it.

"And the final reason that the human race is superior . . . is this! Look at these bad boys!"

Much to the discomfort of . . . everyone, the Big-G then ripped off the metal plating protecting its groin joints. In the dim light of the city shined two gigantic brass nuts.

* * *

Akagi snorted, "Oh god, he is definitely overcompensating; those things are waaay out of proportion."

* * *

The Third angel would not be out done though, and immediately spread its legs rapidly generating a pair even bigger that what Gendo had displayed. Unfortunately for said angel, it constructed one of the pair out of its core. That left it wide open for-

"Ikari BALL-CRUSHER!"

*BOOM*

"Yui would be _so_ proud of me . . ."

Satisfied with his victory, Gendo turned the Big-G towards the nearest NERV, and activated the comlink with headquarters

Now the conversation that took place thereafter between the Commander and NERV HQ wasn't anything that wasn't worth missing.

Gendo brags, Fuyutsuki screams at him, Gendo ignores him and orders Akagi to have the bay doors opened to receive him and to be ready to receive him at his office (with the unsaid implication that something else open and ready to receive him). You know, just your standard everyday NERV fair.

What _was_ interesting was what made Fuyutsuki stop screaming at Gendo, and no, it wasn't because he needed to stop and inhale.

" . . . "

" . . . Ah sensei, I am glad you finally stopped-"

"Why are you smiling like that, Sensei?"

* * *

Shinji came to with a near blinding headache as he was jostled around in the dim emergency lighting of the entry plug.

_Damn, not a dream then._

The last time he had woken up feeling this bad was after he took a whiff of the powder that was stuffed into that bike he found when he was a younger . . .

_. . . No, this is definitely worse than that time._

With a loud thud the plug finally came to a rest. Shinji pulled himself through the LCL towards the latched door and waited.

And waited.

For all of maybe 10 seconds before attacking the latch and spinning in place until he realized that he needed to pin himself against the sides of the cockpit using his feet to get any leverage to open the door. Finally, after what seemed to be an eternity Shinji got the door of the entry plug opened. Instantly the pressurized LCL fluid slammed the door the rest of the way open, forcing Shinji out of the plug and on to the gravel roof of an unknown building.

With a groan he pick himself upwards and looked up into the unblinking gaze of the purple robot.

Then it spoke in a voice that had only haunted his dreams: "Oh my, Shinji-chan you've grown up so much since I've seen you last!"

And just like that the last threads of Shinji Ikari's sanity were cut.

Unit-01 awkwardly patted the teenager on the head, "Now, you stay right there dearest. Mommy needs to have a few words with your father . . ."

Fortunately, while lacking any a sense of reality, Shinji more than made up for by his fear driven intellect.

By the time Unit-01 screeched, "GENDO IKARI!" And began to pound the other mecha so hard the surrounding buildings shook, Shinji was already half way down the fire escape and forming plans to get the hell out of town.

His family was fucking crazy enough without him.

_I really hope there's some more crack left in the bike._


End file.
